I'm feeling it ever so acutely these days: the balance between ass and face. If you are a man you might be wondering what this balance is, but all you women know exactly what I'm talking about.
If I want to be thin, my face looks gaunt; my cheeks sink in and my skin hangs. If I want my face to look full and my skin to fill out and be smooth, then my butt needs meat! Sometimes I wonder, should I be working out or eating? Some days I'm working out and eating at the same time because I can't make a decision!
Sometimes I feel really fat and I look in the mirror and my face looks so amazing! But then I don't want to walk the red carpet because I can't zip up my pants. Ugh!
And so I start to work out, and I get my svelte body back, but I need a ton of makeup to give the illusion that I have a full young face. I put my hair into a tight, tight ponytail so that I get an instant facelift.
What is a girl to do - except of course change gender! Men have it so easy. If he's a little overweight nobody cares. If he's got a little belly it means he's prosperous. If he has a line on his face it means he's got character and experience. In any case he will have a line of women around the block waiting to date him.
But put any of those things on a woman and every other woman judges her when she walks into the room. Their eyes tell the facts: she's too fat; she needs some Botox, perhaps even a little filler; and what's that gray hair? When is the last time she colored?
Not to mention the other ways we destroy each other: that outfit is from 2010, and it's certainly not the right one to wear when you have a belly; the color of her hair is too light for the tone of her skin; and my all-time favorite, are those shoes from last season? I actually had a salesgirl in a department store tell me that she loved the shoes I was wearing: "They were so great last season." Why is it that as soon as the calendar year is flipped you have to throw out your favorite shoes and bags? (But I think fashion mistakes is fodder for another blog...)
I have to say, when I watch these Housewives, I have to marvel at how completely put together they are from head to foot. At a lunch the other day one of these socialite wives had the nerve to tell me that I need a man to pay for my "upkeep," I shouldn't be paying for it myself, you know! I need a rich man right now - today! Before another penny gets drained from my purse for my obvious upkeep.
First of all, and I quote from Monty Python, “I blow my nose in your general direction!" Meaning: perhaps the reason I don't need a rich man to pay for "all" my upkeep is because my upkeep only consists of raw food! I've never chosen men that way. And well, maybe that's my mistake? I've been known to fall in love regardless of what a man has. Regardless of who he was. I've had long relationships to prove that. But I do have a drained pocketbook.
Alas, I'm finding there is no good balance in life for anything - is there? If I err on the side of money, I might not be in love. If I err on the side of love, he may not have money. If I err in favor of my face, my butt is big. Err on the side of my butt, my face is gone and I look older.
For heaven’s sake! There are just too many decisions!!